Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hump Day Humor...

My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn't even look at me this time, but simply said “Yes.”
So, I said, '”hen I'd like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
I opened my shirt, revealing my curly, silver hair.
She said, “The silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.”
And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.”

And then the fight started…


I got up early Saturday morning, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” said my wife, “Who’d think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…


I rear-ended a car this morning. There we were alongside the road, and the other driver slowly got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well then, which one are you?”

And then the fight started…


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He asked, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight's darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…

Hope it's a wonderful day!!
Peace and Love,


Lu said...

LOL!!! Excellent!!! Thanks for the chuckle.

Liza said...

Love these! Thanks for the laugh Alannah!

Silver James said...

*cleans keyboard* Thanks, Alannah. *makes note to self--do not drink while checking Alannah's blog on Hump Day*

Happy April Fool's Day!

(And if anyone is interested, a month-long blog crawl starts at my place today. Come visit for a change to win cool stuffs...)