Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
*snort*
Have a great hump day!!!
Peace and love,
Alannah
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Food For Thought...
"Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome."
Samuel Johnson
1709-1784, Essayist, Biographer and Poet
Peace and love,
Alannah
Samuel Johnson
1709-1784, Essayist, Biographer and Poet
Peace and love,
Alannah
Friday, November 5, 2010
What I'm Reading...
Seeing as how I'm a HUGE Evanovich fan, I'm very proud of myself for holding off for almost 2 months before I got this book. LOL I've just started it, but so far, so good!
Here's the cover and deets from her website:
Seven Stones of Power. No one knows when they were created or by whom, each said to represent one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
For centuries, treasure hunters have been eager to possess the stones, undeterred by their corrupting nature. The list is long -- Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Napoleon, to name a few. Now the Stones have found their way to Salem, Massachusetts, and so has Gerwulf Grimoire, adding himself to this rogues' gallery of power seekers. He's an uncommonly dangerous man, with a hunger for the forbidden, and a set of abilities that are way beyond ordinary. Abilities that he feels entitle him to possess anything he might desire.
That would include Elizabeth Tucker, the woman he needs to find the Stones. She's freshly transplanted from New York City to Boston's North Shore. With a new job as pastry chef at Dazzle's bakery and an old house inherited from her Aunt Ophelia, her life is pretty much on track …until it's suddenly derailed by a guy named Diesel, a rude monkey, and a ninja cat.
Lizzy can handle the monkey and the cat. She's not sure about Diesel. He's offering up his own set of unusual talents, promising to protect her from Grimoire. The kind of protection that Lizzy suspects might involve guarding her body day and night.
The Seven Deadly Sins are pride, greed, lust, envy wrath, sloth and gluttony. That pretty much covers everything that is wicked. Diesel thinks it also pretty much covers everything that's fun. And Lizzy thinks Diesel and the Seven Deadly Sins cover everything her mother warned her about.
I hope it's a fantastic weekend for everyone!! I'll be writing, making sure I keep up with my NaNo goals. If anyone wants to do timed writings, hit me up on FB or send me an e-mail and we'll figure out a way to get together and write.
Peace and love,
Alannah
Here's the cover and deets from her website:
Seven Stones of Power. No one knows when they were created or by whom, each said to represent one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
For centuries, treasure hunters have been eager to possess the stones, undeterred by their corrupting nature. The list is long -- Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Napoleon, to name a few. Now the Stones have found their way to Salem, Massachusetts, and so has Gerwulf Grimoire, adding himself to this rogues' gallery of power seekers. He's an uncommonly dangerous man, with a hunger for the forbidden, and a set of abilities that are way beyond ordinary. Abilities that he feels entitle him to possess anything he might desire.
That would include Elizabeth Tucker, the woman he needs to find the Stones. She's freshly transplanted from New York City to Boston's North Shore. With a new job as pastry chef at Dazzle's bakery and an old house inherited from her Aunt Ophelia, her life is pretty much on track …until it's suddenly derailed by a guy named Diesel, a rude monkey, and a ninja cat.
Lizzy can handle the monkey and the cat. She's not sure about Diesel. He's offering up his own set of unusual talents, promising to protect her from Grimoire. The kind of protection that Lizzy suspects might involve guarding her body day and night.
The Seven Deadly Sins are pride, greed, lust, envy wrath, sloth and gluttony. That pretty much covers everything that is wicked. Diesel thinks it also pretty much covers everything that's fun. And Lizzy thinks Diesel and the Seven Deadly Sins cover everything her mother warned her about.
I hope it's a fantastic weekend for everyone!! I'll be writing, making sure I keep up with my NaNo goals. If anyone wants to do timed writings, hit me up on FB or send me an e-mail and we'll figure out a way to get together and write.
Peace and love,
Alannah
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Superman's Sidekick
Isn't it funny how one thing leads to another leads to another? Franny Armstrong was doing an October writing contest, in which the winner would receive "a package of goodies as well as a glossy, 8x10 image of Jimmy Thomas on the cover of Extrasensory Elements Series Book 1-Author's Demise autographed by Jimmy AND Franny!"
Well...being the Jimmy fan that I am, I had to enter this contest! LOL
Below is the story that I entered.
Superman’s Sidekick
“Seriously?” I grumbled, crawling into the passenger seat of my partner, Jimmy’s, red vet. “This is your idea of a comfortable ride? Seven hours of this, I’ll feel like I rode a jack-hammer to Tucson.”
Jimmy grinned and winked.
“I know,” I said, buckling up. “It’s all in how she’s handled.” We’d only been partners a few months, but I’d already learned there was nothing Jimmy couldn’t…handle.
I used to want to be Wonder Woman. Mostly, I’d wanted big boobs, a tiny waist and an invisible plane. But I’d also liked the idea of saving the world. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten Wonder Woman’s equipment, and I hadn’t saved the world.
At least not on my own.
Instead, I was Superman’s side-kick, working Security Expert Detail (SExD) for foreign dignitaries. I was pretty sure Jimmy wasn’t really Superman. I suspected some of his abilities had been overstated, and I’d never seen the cape and tights. But he still made a kick-ass partner who had, on occasion, saved the day.
His chocolate gaze turned soft and gooey, and he leaned toward me. “What’s on the plate?” He lifted the foil from my No-Pudge Fudge Brownies, and the fresh baked smell permeated the car’s small interior.
“Fuel,” I said, snatching the plate away. “My fuel. I know you can rock all night. But we mere mortals… sometimes…need an extra boost.”
Jimmy smiled and settled back into his seat. “They’ll be mine before we hit Riverside.”
Yeah, probably. He always got what he wanted.
All of the entries were sent to Franny, who then forwarded them on to Jimmy without names. Even though he didn't KNOW who wrote each story, when he read Superman's Sidekick, he told Franny it had to be mine.
Ahh...that elusive "voice" that I've struggled so hard to find with my current wip!
As a result of that contest, the fun that I had writing that story, and the positive feedback I received on it, I've scrapped the entire manuscript that I've struggld with for the past 18 months.
I'm now using NaNo to re-write my current story in the same first person voice I used on this short story.
Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it!! :)
Happy Thursday - only 1 more get-up this week!!
Peace and love,
Alannah
Well...being the Jimmy fan that I am, I had to enter this contest! LOL
Below is the story that I entered.
Superman’s Sidekick
“Seriously?” I grumbled, crawling into the passenger seat of my partner, Jimmy’s, red vet. “This is your idea of a comfortable ride? Seven hours of this, I’ll feel like I rode a jack-hammer to Tucson.”
Jimmy grinned and winked.
“I know,” I said, buckling up. “It’s all in how she’s handled.” We’d only been partners a few months, but I’d already learned there was nothing Jimmy couldn’t…handle.
I used to want to be Wonder Woman. Mostly, I’d wanted big boobs, a tiny waist and an invisible plane. But I’d also liked the idea of saving the world. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten Wonder Woman’s equipment, and I hadn’t saved the world.
At least not on my own.
Instead, I was Superman’s side-kick, working Security Expert Detail (SExD) for foreign dignitaries. I was pretty sure Jimmy wasn’t really Superman. I suspected some of his abilities had been overstated, and I’d never seen the cape and tights. But he still made a kick-ass partner who had, on occasion, saved the day.
His chocolate gaze turned soft and gooey, and he leaned toward me. “What’s on the plate?” He lifted the foil from my No-Pudge Fudge Brownies, and the fresh baked smell permeated the car’s small interior.
“Fuel,” I said, snatching the plate away. “My fuel. I know you can rock all night. But we mere mortals… sometimes…need an extra boost.”
Jimmy smiled and settled back into his seat. “They’ll be mine before we hit Riverside.”
Yeah, probably. He always got what he wanted.
All of the entries were sent to Franny, who then forwarded them on to Jimmy without names. Even though he didn't KNOW who wrote each story, when he read Superman's Sidekick, he told Franny it had to be mine.
Ahh...that elusive "voice" that I've struggled so hard to find with my current wip!
As a result of that contest, the fun that I had writing that story, and the positive feedback I received on it, I've scrapped the entire manuscript that I've struggld with for the past 18 months.
I'm now using NaNo to re-write my current story in the same first person voice I used on this short story.
Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it!! :)
Happy Thursday - only 1 more get-up this week!!
Peace and love,
Alannah
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I was somewhere around Wytheville, VA yesterday when I realized I hadn't scheduled a blog post for Tuesday. Hopefully this hump day humor will make up for my slackness.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Hell! I didn't recognize you."
Happy Hump Day!!
Peace and love,
Alannah
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Hell! I didn't recognize you."
Happy Hump Day!!
Peace and love,
Alannah
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"
hehehe
Happy Hump Day!!!
Peace and Love,
Alannah
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"
hehehe
Happy Hump Day!!!
Peace and Love,
Alannah
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Food For Thought...
"Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."
Joseph Sugarman
Marketing Expert
Have a great Tuesday!
Peace and love,
Alannah
Joseph Sugarman
Marketing Expert
Have a great Tuesday!
Peace and love,
Alannah
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